A Clusterfuck of Emotion

Usually after a shower I feel better. I stand there and let all of my bad feelings rinse off my and circle down the drain. I use that time to think about what is bothering me and I usuallly feel better. Not the case today.

I recently got in a fight with a close friend. I got a very disturbing message from that person today. It really hurt to read the things that they wrote to me. I am in awe that they would even think those things and I don't even know where or how to begin to respond. I have been playing through my mind exactly what I would want to say, and I just see blank.

Over the past couple of years I have learned that you cannot take things or people for granted. I try to live everyday to the fullest. I do not want any more regrets. Life is too short to dwell upon the useless. If someone does not want to be there for me, or have my best interest in mind, then screw them. I have too many friends in my life that ARE there for me. Now, there are a select few that I would do pretty much anything to keep them, I believe that they are worth the fight. This friend is one of them. But I just don't know how much more I can handle. I need to sit on this for a few days before I make any emotional decisions that I will regret later.

Lately I have been having a lot of nightmares. I don't usually tend to remember my dreams, so this is very weird. None of them are related. They do not make sense to me either. But I wake up in a sweat and very nervous. Someone at work brought in a book about dreams, and the things they said about what i was dreaming about was extremely scary. I really hope this is not me foreshadowing anything happening in my life...

I was at my Dad's for dinner on Friday night. I was looking through old boxes trying to find a few things that I needed and came across my Mom's old journal. It is called the "Nothing/Something Book". It takes place from 1978-1981. It is a collection of poems and thoughts that she found inspiring to her or things happening in her life. During this time she is just a couple years older than I am now. I want to share a couple of things that she wrote in here:

Home Sick-

I hate saying goodbye
And scenes that make some cry
i don't like leaving
Seems I'm running away,
When realy I'd rather say
looking forward
to tomorrow's sun
And another day
to spend in the safeness
of your arms
Where I can gather strength
Safe in your arms
Where it feels like home,
and
I'm needed
Everyone knows
That running away from home
Might be the right
Thing to do
At that time
Knowing,
that one day you'll return
With less time
Left,
Such a waste,
Such a shame,
Such a world,
Such a game,
We force eachother
To play.

Things We Keep-

The memory of a love long ago
is lik ethe old gray sweater with
holes that I keep telling myself
I'll throw away,
Someday,
not today,
I still neeed it.

I Told Myself-

I told myself it was insane to weep; he'd gone and that was how it had to be, and I was mad if I lost any sleep over a man who'd lose none over me. It's strange how an obsession can take hold. How one remains cocooned withing the dream in spite of all attempts to break the mod and find again some scrap of self-esteem. I wish that there might somehow be a way that we could meet again by accident. one day we id. What more is there to say? I looked, I saw: I was indifferent. I've long know unrequited love's a curse, but ow I know that not to love is worse.

By Shelley (my mom)

When a friendship is new
it needs a smile
it needs a chance to talk awhile
It needs a sympathetic ear
and a voice that's rather nice to hear
But an older friendship
one that's grown
takes on ways
that are all it's own
When friends know each other ver well
They really don't need words to tell
how much they care
and understand
How quicly they'll lend
a helping hand
They learn the meaning
of smiles and frowns
And share each others
ups and downs
We've shared a friendship
You and I
deeper and truer
as time goes by
and we know each
so well by now
sometimes we even
share thoughts somehow
and I consider few hings
as rare
as teh warmth of the friendship
you and I share




There are so many more in here. I think my mom was in love when she wrote this. Most of these are about love and happiness. It makes me happy that she was in love and had those feelings. i hope that I am able to get that one day. I will share more of those later.

I am sitting here teary eyed reading these. I have been thinking about my mom a ton. I think about her everyday no matter what; but recently, it has been often throughout the day. I find the urge to call her all the time to tell her about something that has happened in my life, a question about something, just to say I love you... Then I find myself sad and dissapointed when I can't.

I warned you before starting this... i am having a clusterfuck of emotions.

I need to write in here again when I am in a better mood to talk about all of the festivities from Amanda's bachelorette party from this weekend. But I am definitely not in a place to talk about that now.

I am going to try to get some sleep...hopefully pleasant dreams tonight, and will wake up feeling better.

xoxo