My Educational Autobiography

Briefly looking back at my educational background, I think of happy moments. I loved elementary school. I excelled in my school work, I had great teachers, I had many friends, and was very active. After taking the time to sit back and reflect on reality, I am able to remember moments that shaped me as a person. Moments in life that even though at the tie I was unaware, we were life-changing. Many of these things were moments that i did not understand fully at the time, but do now after I have grown-up and gained more knowledge. Thinking about these things makes me wish for that sense of naive, carefree nature that I once possessed.

My first memory of school was my second year in pre-school. I lived in a very small town in central Illinois where my mo had grown up. I was fortunate enough to be able to attend two years of preschool so that I could get all of the education possible. Being the first born, I was privileged to many of the things that my two younger brothers missed out on. My mom was a stay at home mom and was able to work with me constantly, and with that help, I was able to read quite a bit by the age of 3. I was very bright for my age and talkative (as I have seen in home videos!), but once I started preschool, I no longer had the same attitude. I was very shy and did not make friends well. The teachers were very concerned about this and my mom was confused because I was completely different at home than what was happening at school.

Looking back at this situation, I see that I was very used to being the only child at home, and with that came a lot of attention When I had to share that, it confused me and I did not know how to handle it. I remember a conversation with my mom and my teacher saying that if I did not learn how to work with other children, I would not succeed in school. Even at such a young age, I remember hat scaring me and I realized that I needed to do better because I wanted to do well. From that moment on I haven't stopped talking!

The summer before I started 3rd grade, my family decided to move us from our small town in Illinois, to the Arizona heat. Of course I was very upset, but excited about our new adventures. I went from a school with about 1oo students to a school with over 1000. It was very overwhelming. But, it was very easy to make new friends since there was so many to choose from. Meeting these new friends was the first time that I felt "different".

I had never thought of my religion as being out of the normal, or that having to do with friendships or anything that really pertained to me. I was raised Methodist, a form of Christianity. My family went to church some Sundays, but it did not control my life. When I came to Arizona, I found out that all of my friends belonged to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, better known as Mormon. I did not think much of it at first, and even went to church activities with some friends that invited me. I never thought of this as much of a problem or difference. They were my friends and that is what mattered. It was not until a day when one of my friends brought the Book of Mormon to school for me and told me to look through it and I would want to convert. I took it home with me and showed my mom. I did not understand why she was so upset over this She even went in and talked to my principal about the whole issue. As a 10 year old, I was mortified. My friends go in trouble for bringing it to school and we had to have a conference and talk about why it was wrong to bring religion into a public school.

From that day on, I was viewed differently by those friends that I had become so close to. I was no longer invited to see them because I had a different belief than they did. This was an on-going problem that I faced every day at school starting that day in the Principal's office until I graduated high school. I lived in a community where almost everyone was Mormon. My high school was over 75% that religion and even had a seminary building on campus. Being part of the music program at school, I was faced with this even more. I was one of the very few that were not Mormon. People would not be m friend or stereotype me because I was not their religion This became much more apparent as I got older and started to notice the reasons why I was treated this way. I knew that I was not a bad person and believed in God, but was still treated differently.

My family life directly affected me as a person. At the time I was extremely angry and upset, but now know that I have learned and grown from what has happened. When I first moved to Arizona, my parents were very wealthy. We lived in a gated community with a nice house and anything and everything that we could ask for. We were involved in community events and activities. I know that this made my mom very happy because she was a stay at home mom and there was only so much that she could do without getting bored. After a few years of living here, my family went through some financial problems. These problems directly affected me and still do to this day. More often than not, we had our utilities turned off. We even had to move to a new house. People talk and this got out. We no longer had the same circle of friends or were included in things. I could not participate in certain activities at school because my parents could not afford it. I was embarrassed, ashamed, and upset. Peers at school, and even teachers viewed me differently and talked down to me because of this.

The middle of my junior year, m parents got a divorce. I lived with my mom and had two younger brothers. This closed a door on problems, and opened up doors for others. I now had a single mom who had not worked in 17 years doing everything that she could to stay on her feet. Life was hard. I had to get a job to help out and quit programs at school because I did not have the time or money to participate in. It was very hard for me to do all of those things and stay positive and to continue doing well in school. Luckily, by this time, I had developed friendships with amazing people. They were my support through this rough time in my life and helped me deal with things.

I made it. I survived high school. I had applied to Arizona State University and had been accepted. I was so excited to start my life for myself and move on to bigger and better things. Sophomore year i hit a bump in my road to success, actually, more like a huge mountain. This is something that will stay with me for the rest of my life and has shaped who I am today and how I view life. My mom was diagnosed with cancer. She passed away a year after. My entire life was a whirlwind of emotion. I tried going to school but could not stay focused. I failed out of all of my classes that year. I had to work full time and move out on my own. I now had different priorities, instead of going to a frat party with friends, I had to work all weekend so I could pay my bills.

Instead of letting that get the best of me and failing at life, I have decided to grow from this. I would not be the person I am today without these life experiences. I believe that it gives me more wisdom than the average 23 year old possesses. I not only know book smart things, but also know about life.

I am a white female living in suburban Arizona with no physical or mental abnormalities, but yet, I am a minority. I have been a minority for the majority of my educational experience. Whether it was a religious minority, financially, or family set up. I strongly believe that this affected me as a student. I think that I would be a very different person today if these things had not happened to me. Good or bad I am not sure, but definitely different Reminiscing about my childhood, I remember taking some lighter situations a lot more dramatically, and also not realizing how bad some other situations were. I took things for granted. I let a lot of life slip through my fingers because I was angry or let my struggles affect me. I am now attending my 5th year of college because of the year that I took off and then my change of major. It has taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I am different than most people.

As a future educator, I will use my personal experiences to help get me through. I will use my strength and help of my friends to help me get through the first rough few years of teaching and getting accommodated to it. If I have a problem with a student, I know that I should not judge. Every child has a family, a background, a culture. I will not get that full story by just seeing that one side of them at school. I know what things to look for and to always be open to talking and listening to them and hope that I can be there for them when I can be. I want to be a role model. I have suffered as a minority in many ways and have come out strong. I want my students to see that and know that they can survive too.

I am open to learning new things and cannot wait to learn from my students. They will all bring something different and unique to the classroom. I hope that my experiences will help me be the best teacher that I can be. I want my students to look back and think happy thoughts, to say that they had a great teacher, good friends, and most importantly, had fun learning.

A long awaited epiphany

My downward spiral of emotion and bad luck has really got me thinking. Why are things like this? What do I do to make it stop? And yesterday I realized what the problem is: ME. Let me explain.

I am a very sentimental person. I hold on to things if they have even the slightest ounce of significant meaning to me. I am somewhat of a pack rat (not like crazy status, but you get the picture). I hold on to old school books, notes, photos, gifts, cards, etc. for much longer than I should. I hate throwing anything away that once meant a lot to me. Let me tell you, I have tons of boxes full of old 'crap'. I have a much bigger problem then just your typical pack rat though. I hold on to more than just physical belongings. I hold on to feelings and memories.

Since my life has been such a crazy rollercoaster over the past few years, I try my hardest to hold onto anything with the slightest bit of 'normalacy' attatched to it. I have had a vision of how my life would turn out and try so hard to stay on that path and have done anything to do that. Instead of this being a good thing, it has caused me pain and ironically enough, to slowly drift off that path even farther than I already would have been.

10 years ago I pictured my life right now graduated from college, having a job, getting my masters, having a serious boyfriend, having enough money to live happily, and to have a great group of friends. Unrealistic, I am fully aware. But that doesn't mean that I still don't want all of those things. I am still striving to achieve all of those goals, but I just realized that I need to take a step back and do things differently.

Back to that sense of normalacy. I love feeling comfort, familiar. I hold onto anyone that makes me happy or knows me well. I hate the whole 'getting to know someone new' thing. I like someone that knows me, knows my family, understands me. Here is my downfall. I have held myself back from so many opportunities, cried rivers of hurtful tears, and thrown away precious time on one person. One person that fit all of those things I love to hold on to. He knew me, my past, my thoughts, my feelings, and most importantly, had met and gained the approval of my mom, something that no one else will ever have again. He made me feel safe when no one else was there at all. He made me feel happy when I was sad, even when he was the once that caused me that pain.

I held onto those happy feelings. I overlooked all of the bad things I was doing to myself to just have those few hours of bliss. I was feeling so sad that I would give all of my happiness, confidence, and life, just to feel those few moments of being safe, to feel loved.

It finally came to me yesterday. It is NOT worth it. How can I even find someone else or let alone be happy myself when I am allowing that person to have control over me and my emotions? I have not been able to let go for all of the reasons that I mentioned before. But now, I see how I am only hurting myself by holding onto those things. I cannot be happy until I move on.

Moving on. Something that is so easy to say. I have given that advice to my friends time and time again. It makes so much sense to say, so easy to do, right? Not even the slightest. Moving on from this is closing a huge part of my life. This is my first love. The first man I ever said "I love you" to. The man who took my virginity. The man who I have spent the past 6 years crying and laughing with. This would be making all of my happy moments and feelings with him just a long far away memory. I have to realize that it is not meant to be. All of those thoughts I have had of us growing old together will not happen. I may have loved him, but we have changed. I need to let go of what I have been grasping to for dear life these past years.

I need to do this. I need to be happy. It makes so much sense to me now. He is happy. He has a life of his own now. And it is only fair for me to do the same thing. Am I sad? Deeply. But, I am happy that I am finally having this light bulb go off. I need this to move on with my life. I keep saying that I will do anything that will make me happy. And this is the first step towards it. I am mad at myself for letting this go on for so long. But, I have to learn my lessons on my own and in my own amount of time. If I ever feel weak, or want to go back to how I felt before, I need to go back and remember how I feel right now after this epiphany. It feels good to let go of all of that emotion and saddness.

I am now moving forward with my life.

Goodbye. Goodbye to my once best friend. Goodbye to my first love. I will always love you. Goodbye...

Bad Luck prone

So I have just really been writing on here poems and song lyrics. Not really about my life. I am really not sure what kind of blog this is. Just a whole lotta random. Which, honestly, is how my life really is. I am all over the place. Good or bad? Still deciding. But it is me.

A streak of bad luck has overcome my life. Everyday is shadowed with a dark cloud of bad things just waiting to happen. Most of these things involve money situations, of course. I am a college student. It just would not be the same experience if I wasn't surviving off of mac and cheese. Which honestly is a little gross 3 nights in a row. Ah I miss being a little kid and being able to eat it for every meal!

A hint of advice: If you go to ASU or have an ASU email address and get an email from wells fargo saying that your online account had too many failed log ins... it is a scam. Lovely. You would think they would send an email out to warn students.. but no. Gotta find out the hard way. Also got screwed over by Norton Anti Virus. It should be illegal to charge an account without permission for a product that is not even installed on the computer anymore! Talk about stressful situation. Oh, also, using your debit card and it saying STOLEN on it when it is used. Oh who filed that claim.. me. I called to have that cancelled, since I figured out it was really just the idiots at Norton who charged my card (theives really). Embarassing. Then spent an hour at the bank having to get an ATM card.. with a very low limit. It is going to talk 7-10 business days to get my debit card back. Don't think this really made sense... but I am just stressed and over the situation!

It is Spring Break! Spring break should mean beach, friends, sleeping in, relaxing. For me it means one thing: work. I will be working everyday but one. I need the money, but could probably use the extra sleep and work more. I am way over worked and it is starting to catch up to me. I am feeling drained. I need a vacation!

I feel like I complain on here a lot. And that is not what I want. So I am sorry blog world for the depressing entries! Here's to hoping that life picks up in a happy way so that I have something good to talk about!

I could write so much in here... but that would take a ton of time. And I spent over 5 hours today on the computer doing homework and don't think I can stand looking at this screen any longer!

I do promise you, blog world, to write to you more often. I know that you are anxiously awaiting to hear all about my rollercoaster life and what will happen next.

As for now? I am off to watch Remember Me. Oh Robert Pattinson's face to bring my night a slight smile. And the new Eclipse trailer to give me something to look forward to.