A long awaited epiphany

My downward spiral of emotion and bad luck has really got me thinking. Why are things like this? What do I do to make it stop? And yesterday I realized what the problem is: ME. Let me explain.

I am a very sentimental person. I hold on to things if they have even the slightest ounce of significant meaning to me. I am somewhat of a pack rat (not like crazy status, but you get the picture). I hold on to old school books, notes, photos, gifts, cards, etc. for much longer than I should. I hate throwing anything away that once meant a lot to me. Let me tell you, I have tons of boxes full of old 'crap'. I have a much bigger problem then just your typical pack rat though. I hold on to more than just physical belongings. I hold on to feelings and memories.

Since my life has been such a crazy rollercoaster over the past few years, I try my hardest to hold onto anything with the slightest bit of 'normalacy' attatched to it. I have had a vision of how my life would turn out and try so hard to stay on that path and have done anything to do that. Instead of this being a good thing, it has caused me pain and ironically enough, to slowly drift off that path even farther than I already would have been.

10 years ago I pictured my life right now graduated from college, having a job, getting my masters, having a serious boyfriend, having enough money to live happily, and to have a great group of friends. Unrealistic, I am fully aware. But that doesn't mean that I still don't want all of those things. I am still striving to achieve all of those goals, but I just realized that I need to take a step back and do things differently.

Back to that sense of normalacy. I love feeling comfort, familiar. I hold onto anyone that makes me happy or knows me well. I hate the whole 'getting to know someone new' thing. I like someone that knows me, knows my family, understands me. Here is my downfall. I have held myself back from so many opportunities, cried rivers of hurtful tears, and thrown away precious time on one person. One person that fit all of those things I love to hold on to. He knew me, my past, my thoughts, my feelings, and most importantly, had met and gained the approval of my mom, something that no one else will ever have again. He made me feel safe when no one else was there at all. He made me feel happy when I was sad, even when he was the once that caused me that pain.

I held onto those happy feelings. I overlooked all of the bad things I was doing to myself to just have those few hours of bliss. I was feeling so sad that I would give all of my happiness, confidence, and life, just to feel those few moments of being safe, to feel loved.

It finally came to me yesterday. It is NOT worth it. How can I even find someone else or let alone be happy myself when I am allowing that person to have control over me and my emotions? I have not been able to let go for all of the reasons that I mentioned before. But now, I see how I am only hurting myself by holding onto those things. I cannot be happy until I move on.

Moving on. Something that is so easy to say. I have given that advice to my friends time and time again. It makes so much sense to say, so easy to do, right? Not even the slightest. Moving on from this is closing a huge part of my life. This is my first love. The first man I ever said "I love you" to. The man who took my virginity. The man who I have spent the past 6 years crying and laughing with. This would be making all of my happy moments and feelings with him just a long far away memory. I have to realize that it is not meant to be. All of those thoughts I have had of us growing old together will not happen. I may have loved him, but we have changed. I need to let go of what I have been grasping to for dear life these past years.

I need to do this. I need to be happy. It makes so much sense to me now. He is happy. He has a life of his own now. And it is only fair for me to do the same thing. Am I sad? Deeply. But, I am happy that I am finally having this light bulb go off. I need this to move on with my life. I keep saying that I will do anything that will make me happy. And this is the first step towards it. I am mad at myself for letting this go on for so long. But, I have to learn my lessons on my own and in my own amount of time. If I ever feel weak, or want to go back to how I felt before, I need to go back and remember how I feel right now after this epiphany. It feels good to let go of all of that emotion and saddness.

I am now moving forward with my life.

Goodbye. Goodbye to my once best friend. Goodbye to my first love. I will always love you. Goodbye...