Sick

Why must I always get sick at the most inconvinient times?? I swear... it only happens when I am super busy and have tons of things that need to get done.

I woke up yesterday with a raw throat. So I chugged some airborne (nastiest tasting stuff ever, orange tang). It made me feel better for a few hours. I went in and interned, and then went to my first class of the day. By the end of that class, I was feeling awful. I left about 20min early so I would have time to go to the store and get some throat losengers to make me feel better before the next class. I luckily had enough time to take a quick cat nap in my car and suck on some halls. Went to my next class, took a midterm, after class put together a presentation, ran a few errands, and went to work. Got to work and instantly felt like hell. I had to scrub bathroom floors for inspection (in my nice clothes since I didn't have time to go home and change). I left there, came home and felt soooo sick. I took some Nyquil and passed out.

I didn't make it to my internship today. I slept until 1pm. Then napped again until 430pm. Of course, getting nothing done that I needed to. I had to go to class for at least a few today because I had a presentation for one of my classes I had to give. Luckily, I was able to leave and come home after. Got home, ate some soup, napped, and here I am. Finally up from the couch for at least a few to check a few things.

I don't think I will be interning again tomorrow. No reason to get others sick as well. I do have class tomorrow from 1-730 though. Hoping I feel better by then! I can't even do any homework right now. My mind is not all there since it is doped up on medicine. I would like to do well on my homework. I am feeling all sorts of scatter brained.

I think that it is time to sleep again. This hour awake has been a lot haha

The Willow Tree

As a child, there is always that "magical place" you can go. It is a safe haven. A place where your imagination can run free, where you can be anyone you want to be. My place as a child was the willow tree in my backyard.

I grew up in small town in Illinois. We had a little yellow house on an acre yard. That yard was a child's dream. So many places to run, things to do, adventures to make. Out of all of the places, there was on that was my favorite. It was in the back corner of our yard, right next to the corn field that it backed up to. In that corner, there was a beautiful, ancient, magical willow tree.

I would go back there every chance that I got. I would walk up to the tree and open up large gates of leaves into my magical place. As you walked in, you were engulfed with green leaves, sparkling gold as the sun shone through them. I would lay on the smooth grass underneath and look up towards the heaves through the leaves. It gave the sky and life a whole new perspective. I would fantasize I was somewhere different, as a princess in my own hidden land. I would pretend I was a beautiful bride waiting for my prince charming to come save me from the evil monster. Then we would get married under the leaves of the willow tree.

No one went under the tree with me. It was mine, all mine.

I have no pictures of that beautiful tree. I went back to visit that house a few years ago, and that tree is no longer there. When I buy a house eventually, I would love to have a weeping willow tree in the yard. Alas though, I no longer have such a vivid imagination. I lost that as I got older and also lost my innocence. I have tried to hard to regain that imagination. Nothing I do can bring it back.

I wish I still had that weeping willow.

Here is that house I grew up in. Sadly, the willow is no longer.

Flipped

This movie is a MUST SEE. It may be my new favorite movie. It was beautifully made, sweet, innocent, funny, sad. I am buying the book as well. If it is even a fraction as good as the movie, I will be so happy :)

Juli Baker devoutly believes in three things: the sanctity of trees (especially her beloved sycamore), the wholesomeness of the eggs she collects from her backyard flock of chickens, and that someday she will kiss Bryce Loski. Ever since she saw Bryce's baby blues back in second grade, Juli has been smitten. Unfortunately, Bryce has never felt the same. Frankly, he thinks Juli Baker is a little weird--after all, what kind of freak raises chickens and sits in trees for fun? Then, in eighth grade, everything changes. Bryce begins to see that Juli's unusual interests and pride in her family are, well, kind of cool. And Juli starts to think that maybe Bryce's brilliant blue eyes are as empty as the rest of Bryce seems to be. After all, what kind of jerk doesn't care about other people's feelings about chickens and trees? With Flipped, mystery author Wendelin Van Draanen has taken a break from her Sammy Keyes series, and the result is flipping fantastic. Bryce and Juli's rants and raves about each other ring so true that teen readers will quickly identify with at least one of these hilarious feuding egos, if not both. A perfect introduction to the adolescent war between the sexes.

You never forget your first love

You Raise Me Up

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;

When troubles come and my heart burdened be;

Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,

Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;

You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;

I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;

You raise me up: To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;

You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;

I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;

You raise me up: To more than I can be.

There is no life - no life without its hunger;

Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;

But when you come and I am filled with wonder,

Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;

You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;

I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;

You raise me up: To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;

You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;

I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;

You raise me up: To more than I can be.

 

 

You raise me up

The 5th Grade

I finally got to start my internship this last week! It was such a mix of emotion to start. I was beyond excited to get into the classroom and apply things that I had learned, I mean, this is what I am going to school for, nothing better than handson training. But I was also very nervous! I have never done anything like this before!

To make it there on time, I had to wake up at 530am. For anyone that knows me, knows that was death. I got there and met my teacher. She was super friendly and greeted me with a hug! I was glad she was nice and welcoming. We went and got the kids from the playground to start the day. It is amazing how fast the memories come back about daily routines of elementary school that you totally forgot about.

We went about the things of the morning, checking homework, planners, questions, etc. I forgot how small 5th graders are. I guess I remember being more mature than that haha. From there they went to their "special", library. I got to see all of the works of the 5th grade. We planned for the next lesson, talked to other teachers. It was a little overwhelming! Remember, it was my first day!

So when they got back in, we started working on math. I got sent to the hall with a group of 3 kids who were strugglng with the concepts to help them out. Things were going well at the beginning... then one of the girls got upset because she was not understanding and it was lunch time. So she started crying. Panic rushes over me. I wasn't taught what to do in this situation! The other two kids with me informed me that this is a normal thing that she does and not to worry about it. I am sure that they saw the panic in my eyes trying to decide what to do about the situation! Luckily, math time ended soon and I got out of that situation!

The rest of the day went off with no other problems. After spending 5 hours in the classroom, I had to go for 7 hours straight of actual class. I was EXHAUSTED. I don't know how i am going to pull this off. I feel like I have 2 seperate lives. One at school and the other at work. It is like I have 2 full time jobs and full time school. The rest of my week involves lots of work, interning, and school. Of course I have no break or day off to rest. It just keep going. I am getting overwhelmed. I closed tonight at work and have to open again tomorrow. Ugh. I am putting off going to bed for at least a few so I have at least a little "me" time.

I better head to bed now though. Have to be up soon for another long day. So if I do not update this that often, please don't be mad. I wish that I could! i have been learning about creative writing though and wish I had some time to do a little free writing. Maybe I will..

Butterfly Kisses

There's two things I know for sure:

She was sent here from heaven and she's

daddy's little girl.

As I drop to my knees by her bed at night

She talks to Jesus and I close my eyes and

I thank god for all the joy in my life

Oh, but most of all

For butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer;

sticking little white flowers all up in her

hair; "Walk beside the pony, Daddy, it's my first ride."

"I know the cake looks funny, Daddy, but I sure tried."

In all that I've done wrong I know I must

have done something right to deserve a hug

every morning and butterfly kisses at night.

Sweet 16 today

She's looking like her mama a little more everyday

One part woman, the other part girl.

To perfume and make-up from ribbons and curls

Trying her wings out in a great big world.

But I remember

Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer; sticking

little white flowers all up in her hair.

"You know how much I love you, Daddy, But if you

don't mind I'm only gonna kiss you on the cheek this time."

With all that I've done wrong I must have done

something right to deserve her love every morning

and butterfly kisses at night.

All the precious time

Like the wind, the years go by.

Precious butterfly.

Spread your wings and fly.

She'll change her name today.

She'll make a promise and I'll give her away.

Standing in the bride-room just staring at her.

She asked me what I'm thinking and I said "I'm not

sure-I just feel like I'm losing my baby girl."

She leaned over...gave me butterfly kisses with her mama there,

Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair

"Walk my down the aisle, Daddy-it's just about time."

"Does my wedding gown look pretty, Daddy? Daddy, don't cry!"

Oh, with all that I've done wrong I must have

done something right.

To deserve your love every morning and butterfly

kisses-I couldn't ask God for more, man this is what love is.

I know I gotta let her go, but I'll always remember

every hug in the morning and butterfly kisses.

I played this song for my dad on Father's Day at church when I was 16. I remember that it was about the only time that he ever came to church. He was so proud of me for playing this song and thanked me. I was so happy that he came and watched me and was happy he was proud of me.

But this is not the relationship that I have with my dad. I wish I had this. I have always wanted this. I went over to my dad's tonight to do laundry. After I was done he walked me out to my car and started talking to me. He has been really down recently for a lot of financial reasons. He started telling me just about how it made him sad that this is what his life is like. That life will go on without him. That I have moved on to a life and left him behind. He knows that I love him, but I do not like him. He said that my brother told him he has 2 years to live with all of the drinking and smoking he does. And that when he dies to make sure to leave him with the Wednesday trash.

I hate that he jokes like that. It makes me sad that his life is the way that it is. My dad and I have d a rocky relationship for years now. I was angry for a very long time. But after my mom died, things changed. He is the only parent that I have now. I wish we could be close. But I don't always like to be around him when he drinks and gets mean. It breaks my heart to think about everything. I love my dad so much and only want the best for him. I hate that he thinks so poorly of everyone. I wish he could move on from the past like I have.

Tonight just made me feel very sad. I was thinking about times as a little girl when my daddy was a hero. When he played with us and always could make me laugh. I miss that. Obviously I am an adult now and things are going to be different. I just wish that I coud be close with him and still have that relationship. It does make me feel very alone. That security of a family is not there for me.

I wish I could fix this. Make all of the bad go away. But I know that will not happen. I just told my dad that I love him. And I support him and will try my best to call him and see him more often. After losing my mom, I know how it feels to have regret. I can't go through the rest of my life regretting something else the same way. I can move forward and do my best to have a good relationship with my dad. And at least let him know how much I love him. That is the best I can do.