Butterfly Kisses

There's two things I know for sure:

She was sent here from heaven and she's

daddy's little girl.

As I drop to my knees by her bed at night

She talks to Jesus and I close my eyes and

I thank god for all the joy in my life

Oh, but most of all

For butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer;

sticking little white flowers all up in her

hair; "Walk beside the pony, Daddy, it's my first ride."

"I know the cake looks funny, Daddy, but I sure tried."

In all that I've done wrong I know I must

have done something right to deserve a hug

every morning and butterfly kisses at night.

Sweet 16 today

She's looking like her mama a little more everyday

One part woman, the other part girl.

To perfume and make-up from ribbons and curls

Trying her wings out in a great big world.

But I remember

Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer; sticking

little white flowers all up in her hair.

"You know how much I love you, Daddy, But if you

don't mind I'm only gonna kiss you on the cheek this time."

With all that I've done wrong I must have done

something right to deserve her love every morning

and butterfly kisses at night.

All the precious time

Like the wind, the years go by.

Precious butterfly.

Spread your wings and fly.

She'll change her name today.

She'll make a promise and I'll give her away.

Standing in the bride-room just staring at her.

She asked me what I'm thinking and I said "I'm not

sure-I just feel like I'm losing my baby girl."

She leaned over...gave me butterfly kisses with her mama there,

Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair

"Walk my down the aisle, Daddy-it's just about time."

"Does my wedding gown look pretty, Daddy? Daddy, don't cry!"

Oh, with all that I've done wrong I must have

done something right.

To deserve your love every morning and butterfly

kisses-I couldn't ask God for more, man this is what love is.

I know I gotta let her go, but I'll always remember

every hug in the morning and butterfly kisses.

I played this song for my dad on Father's Day at church when I was 16. I remember that it was about the only time that he ever came to church. He was so proud of me for playing this song and thanked me. I was so happy that he came and watched me and was happy he was proud of me.

But this is not the relationship that I have with my dad. I wish I had this. I have always wanted this. I went over to my dad's tonight to do laundry. After I was done he walked me out to my car and started talking to me. He has been really down recently for a lot of financial reasons. He started telling me just about how it made him sad that this is what his life is like. That life will go on without him. That I have moved on to a life and left him behind. He knows that I love him, but I do not like him. He said that my brother told him he has 2 years to live with all of the drinking and smoking he does. And that when he dies to make sure to leave him with the Wednesday trash.

I hate that he jokes like that. It makes me sad that his life is the way that it is. My dad and I have d a rocky relationship for years now. I was angry for a very long time. But after my mom died, things changed. He is the only parent that I have now. I wish we could be close. But I don't always like to be around him when he drinks and gets mean. It breaks my heart to think about everything. I love my dad so much and only want the best for him. I hate that he thinks so poorly of everyone. I wish he could move on from the past like I have.

Tonight just made me feel very sad. I was thinking about times as a little girl when my daddy was a hero. When he played with us and always could make me laugh. I miss that. Obviously I am an adult now and things are going to be different. I just wish that I coud be close with him and still have that relationship. It does make me feel very alone. That security of a family is not there for me.

I wish I could fix this. Make all of the bad go away. But I know that will not happen. I just told my dad that I love him. And I support him and will try my best to call him and see him more often. After losing my mom, I know how it feels to have regret. I can't go through the rest of my life regretting something else the same way. I can move forward and do my best to have a good relationship with my dad. And at least let him know how much I love him. That is the best I can do.